THOUGHTS

everything is gonna be okay

as long as you’re okay

as long as jesus is here and real and forgiving

life is still beautiful

this year is not doomed

as long as I’m working and being fine tuned

I’m in love and I’m bleeding and crying and laughing

I’m afraid and brave and together alone

i hope

i hope

i hope

because there is nothing else to do

I’m afraid of memories and pain and the future 

i just want to be sure and clear

i want to stop worrying

to clear my mind

and sometimes i just want to be done

but then the light comes back out for a little bit and its so irresistible

that i want to dance in it longer

until i trip and the thunderstorms come

but if i get up and keep dancing in the rain

maybe the sun will jus keep on coming out

and we can dance together 

you and me. i just…hope it will last. i miss you. i’m afraid i’m going to lose you. we'll move away. and we'll both build our lives. and it will be a slow, imperceptible, inevitable, painful drifting. 

all this time i hoped and believed the number of white petals were odd, turns out they’re even. they float through the air d r i f t i n g until they finally touch glassy blue ripples below. 

the first brave little petal stays close, but as others join it is just floating out of reach, salt water guiding it gently. farther and farther away, i hardly notice until the last petal falls, and i wake up with a violent start to the sound of my own voice, “loves me not.” 

i tremble. i am desperate for one more silky petal. it must have fallen, it was not supposed to end like this. that last word created a nightmare out of my hopeful dream. "not." if only i could erase that word like it erased my hope. 

there is nothing to do, but watch the petals drift away so quiet, as if they weren’t leaving a screaming chaos behind them. 

my daisy is gone. all i can do is watch the pieces disappear, and try to remember how exquisite it was.

because it was, it used to be. 

but there were an odd number of petals. 

(and when the daisy's gone

 i will send you a bouquet

of forget-me-nots)

what if we walked on the sky? 

what if the clouds could hold our heavy dreams?

then our tears would not be the only saltwater that rained. 

but would gravity pull us up,

up, up, away from the stars beneath our feet?

and would the ocean drag us in,

in, in, into its unfathomable depths above our heads?

would we smile more if the world was upside-down? 

the warm green valleys high above our heads, 

while the frost-capped mountain-tops

reach right down to our feet?