feeling in words

What happened to me? What changed? It's like the rushing waters tore down the floodgates that once held them so well. But oh the rushing waters were so bitter then- and they froze rock hard and they made me numb and sharp. It wasn't this pure burning salt water. Yet i  despise this. These tsunamis- where did they come from and what wind blows them my way? Because my wall is breaking. My precious once mighty wall that was my pride and my strong tower- broken.  Who am i anymore? Who is this? I don't recognize myself sometimes. I want to hold that little girl who i used to know so well and look at her and tell her not to rush growing up but to enjoy every. single. little moment. tell her to smile more. to not be afraid, to live in the light of faith's hope. who was i and what have i become? and what will i become? how many times i have looked in the mirror and not seen myself. not seen the changes. not seen anything. how many times? for years ive smiled back at that girl a forced smile just because it looked nicer than a frown. I am blind.  but this is the only way i seem to be able to keep track of myself- with words. words- my closest friends and worst enemies. my heart treasuring and  bleeding and laughing and crying out words. and the Word who is there when words fail me. the Word who will be my strong tower when my mighty wall has crumbled and i am nothing but crumbled ruin and rushing waters. and through the storms that no one else can see- when my walls are rubble and i try to hide the burning rushing waters pouring out of my soul into my eyes- i will cling to my Strong Tower, i will be carried above the storm on powerful wings and my frozen, burning soul will find rest. 

listen: danny gokey 'tell your heart to beat again'

(just more of my random thoughts and feelings. maybe i'll actually write something of substance one of these days! and excuse the lack of grammar :/ ) 

x madi