THOUGHTS

everything is gonna be okay

as long as you’re okay

as long as jesus is here and real and forgiving

life is still beautiful

this year is not doomed

as long as I’m working and being fine tuned

I’m in love and I’m bleeding and crying and laughing

I’m afraid and brave and together alone

i hope

i hope

i hope

because there is nothing else to do

I’m afraid of memories and pain and the future 

i just want to be sure and clear

i want to stop worrying

to clear my mind

and sometimes i just want to be done

but then the light comes back out for a little bit and its so irresistible

that i want to dance in it longer

until i trip and the thunderstorms come

but if i get up and keep dancing in the rain

maybe the sun will jus keep on coming out

and we can dance together 

you and me. i just…hope it will last. i miss you. i’m afraid i’m going to lose you. we'll move away. and we'll both build our lives. and it will be a slow, imperceptible, inevitable, painful drifting. 

all this time i hoped and believed the number of white petals were odd, turns out they’re even. they float through the air d r i f t i n g until they finally touch glassy blue ripples below. 

the first brave little petal stays close, but as others join it is just floating out of reach, salt water guiding it gently. farther and farther away, i hardly notice until the last petal falls, and i wake up with a violent start to the sound of my own voice, “loves me not.” 

i tremble. i am desperate for one more silky petal. it must have fallen, it was not supposed to end like this. that last word created a nightmare out of my hopeful dream. "not." if only i could erase that word like it erased my hope. 

there is nothing to do, but watch the petals drift away so quiet, as if they weren’t leaving a screaming chaos behind them. 

my daisy is gone. all i can do is watch the pieces disappear, and try to remember how exquisite it was.

because it was, it used to be. 

but there were an odd number of petals. 

(and when the daisy's gone

 i will send you a bouquet

of forget-me-nots)

what if we walked on the sky? 

what if the clouds could hold our heavy dreams?

then our tears would not be the only saltwater that rained. 

but would gravity pull us up,

up, up, away from the stars beneath our feet?

and would the ocean drag us in,

in, in, into its unfathomable depths above our heads?

would we smile more if the world was upside-down? 

the warm green valleys high above our heads, 

while the frost-capped mountain-tops

reach right down to our feet?

i want to hug the sun
;

i want to embrace words
;

to feel music’s heartbeat close to me,


to dance with the spring breeze;


i want to caress laughter
,

and kiss the stars;


i want to hold hands with the profound,

and deep and vast
;

i want to gaze into the eyes of beauty and joy-

is this love?

feeling in words

What happened to me? What changed? It's like the rushing waters tore down the floodgates that once held them so well. But oh the rushing waters were so bitter then- and they froze rock hard and they made me numb and sharp. It wasn't this pure burning salt water. Yet i  despise this. These tsunamis- where did they come from and what wind blows them my way? Because my wall is breaking. My precious once mighty wall that was my pride and my strong tower- broken.  Who am i anymore? Who is this? I don't recognize myself sometimes. I want to hold that little girl who i used to know so well and look at her and tell her not to rush growing up but to enjoy every. single. little moment. tell her to smile more. to not be afraid, to live in the light of faith's hope. who was i and what have i become? and what will i become? how many times i have looked in the mirror and not seen myself. not seen the changes. not seen anything. how many times? for years ive smiled back at that girl a forced smile just because it looked nicer than a frown. I am blind.  but this is the only way i seem to be able to keep track of myself- with words. words- my closest friends and worst enemies. my heart treasuring and  bleeding and laughing and crying out words. and the Word who is there when words fail me. the Word who will be my strong tower when my mighty wall has crumbled and i am nothing but crumbled ruin and rushing waters. and through the storms that no one else can see- when my walls are rubble and i try to hide the burning rushing waters pouring out of my soul into my eyes- i will cling to my Strong Tower, i will be carried above the storm on powerful wings and my frozen, burning soul will find rest. 

listen: danny gokey 'tell your heart to beat again'

(just more of my random thoughts and feelings. maybe i'll actually write something of substance one of these days! and excuse the lack of grammar :/ ) 

x madi

φως- Light!

How shall I describe it? Deep, burning grief, sadness, pain. Pain from the frozen. The stone. The dark- no, the deepest black. 

What is this that I carry in me? I grapple daily with it, yet when I look on it, it seems strange. My fingers know its cold, sharp grooves and shrink back in repulsion. There is not a darker object in the world of worlds, than this guilt-stained, filthy burden I carry inside. It argues otherwise. 

Ceaselessly I hear its hypnotizing whisperings, "I am beautiful," it says, "clean, tender- see how good I am?" So soft at first, these whisperings lulling me to an unconscious sleep from which it would have me not wake. 

Φως- Light! 

Suddenly all is white with some majestic brightness! The fog lifts...consciousness returns. Yet I can no longer keep my eyes closed nor look at the source of this Light for the filth I know it uncovers. My eyes glance toward my burden of despair, and I groan with shame. But what shocking pain! Pain- a miracle for this unfeeling heart of stone! 

And there I see it- a crack breaking the darkness of that deplorable thing. Oh what sorrow and guilt mixed with such joy. I cannot pity myself or this burden I bear; no, that I chose to carry. 

Oh Light! Pierce this heart. Break it. Shatter it. Cast it away even as far as the east is from the west. There is no hope for such a pit of wickedness. Wash me with Light, Purity, and Holiness. Create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me!

for all his works are right and his ways are just; and those who walk in pride he is able to humble.  

-daniel 4:37

this is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light and in him is no darkness at all. 

-1john1:5

i have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek your servant... 

-psalm 119:176

i have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness. -john 12:46

the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. 

-john 1:5

he who made the Pleiades and Orion, and turns deep darkness into the morning...the Lord is his name. 

-amos 5:8

m.j.l.

the ocean.

Yes I am alive. Where did time go?! I am still here learning how to swim in this limitless icy ocean. 

I can't just stay over there on the shore where it's safe and warm (for now). The shallow water isn't enough. I walk out further, deeper.  I can still touch, I can still go back. My toes still feel the soft grainy sand, my lips are still above the surface. Just a little further- a few more inches- and I'll be out there. It's harder than I realize, as though bricks are chained to my feet, and my heart holds the key. 

Out there- where warriors do big things. Or maybe they're not big things- maybe they're the small things, really. Or maybe the big things and the small things are the same. If the storms will come regardless of where I am, I might as well go out and learn to swim and face the storms before they come. And maybe, just maybe, the Captain and Creator will use me to turn the tide. 

I'm confused and dizzy- pulled down into my own whirlpool of thoughts and dreams and desires. So I look to my Captain, I write desperately, passionately, frankly. Is it better than not writing at all? I don't know. But I want to. I want to know. To learn. To dream. To love. To live. So I keep swimming.

just some random- or not so random thoughts from my poor wrinkled heart. 

of life

I said I had pictures, and here they are. No, they're not the pictures I wanted to post. Yes I will try to get around to those ones. But for now here's what I've been up to lately. What have you been up to lovelies? Are you doing school? I challenged myself to take one picture a day (I'll post them here) amidst all the business to remember a bit about the day and have some fun pictures. Especially since I've been terrible about keeping a journal lately. Hang in there and have a lovely and beautiful October!
x madison

growing up

hitting a milestone: got my (enhanced) driver's license today!!! feels awesome to have completed every necessary (or seemingly unnecessary!) step to finally get it.  just praying I don't get in an accident or anything now. I'm totally nervous, but very inspired by the quote:





  

 thanks for hanging in there you poor dear followers. hopefully can post some fun pics from over the summer soon. (can anyone else hardly wait for school to start?!?!) when did you get/do you have your license? tell me about it! (should I be afraid???)
love to you
x madison